Feeling Disconnected: “Performing” Life Instead of Living It

Over the past 3-4 months I’ve felt very disconnected from my life and the people in it, and lately that feeling of disconnection has only grown and the reality of this really hit me today kind of out of nowhere. I’m torn between feeling like I’m just going through the motions of living life and feeling like I’m spectating my life instead of actually living it. I guess you could call what I’m doing performing- I’m performing the roles of daughter, friend, student, productive and working member of society… I’m doing all of it without feeling most of it and when I do feel something, it’s not pleasant.

All of this has led me to realize something- I’m not happy, but I’m not depressed either, I’m just existing, feeling aimless and unsure of everything, unsure of myself and my decisions. I know I want more for myself, more for my life, but I’m not sure what that more is right now.

But I know this isn’t the way things should be. Someone shouldn’t feel like they are performing life and their different roles in it. Someone shouldn’t feel like they are spectating their life either, they should feel like they are living it to their fullest potential and good or bad, they know every experience is a chance to grow, and right now I don’t feel that way because I don’t feel like I feel anything except disconnected.

Feeling this way has led me to wonder if this is something that every writer experiences at one point or another in their lives. Because as weird as this might sound, the more disconnected I feel from my life and the people in it, the more connected I feel to my writing. Being disconnected from everything else has brought me closer to every word I put down on a page, to every word I preserve in ink or in a word document. Like never before I feel this unrelenting need to write and keep writing and not hold back due to fear or it being a bad first draft. For the first time I feel no need to edit myself or hold myself back, I feel free with my writing in a way I’ve never felt before.

This raises the question of- has my disconnection from everything else led me to this point? Or is it just coincidence? I know they say when you choose to be a writer, you have to make a lot of sacrifices- losing friends, upsetting family, missing out on events, etc. But do we have to completely disconnect ourselves in order to be the writer we want to be? Is my disconnection from my life and the people in it life’s way of clearing things out so I can focus on my writing? So I can become a stronger writer? Does that even seem right to think?

I have so many questions and no answers for any of them. I feel like my life is a Rubik Cube that I’m trying to figure out and match up according to where everything belongs, but right now it’s just a jumbled mess where nothing is matching up… but then I question- does everything really have to match up perfectly to be figured out? I’m not so sure it does, at least not anymore.

I know I’ve asked a lot of questions in this post and I’m really interested to know your thoughts/opinions/answers to these questions because I really want to know if anyone else has ever experienced this and how much it changed you. Feeling this way has been one of the strangest things I’ve ever experienced and even though I’m not sure where this journey will take me, I know one thing for sure- I’m ready to see where it takes me.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Feeling Disconnected: “Performing” Life Instead of Living It

  1. I really enjoyed reading this because I sometimes feel the same way. Disconnect. It doesn’t mean sadness or depression, it just means exactly what it says. I find myself not able to sink my teeth into anything that feels worthwhile. Writing certainly helps! Winter doesn’t. And misery loves company.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It really helps knowing I’m not the only one who feels this way. I don’t seem to mind that I’m feeling this way and I’m unsure if that’s weird or normal or what it means! And I don’t mind Winter too much, it’s Summer I can’t stand because I’m not a fan of sunlight lol!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s totally normal. People who feel deeply often make great writers. Sometimes feeling deeply is a pain, or a disconnect; sometimes it is a wave of passion. Either way, it is normal and has all the earmarks of a writer. And, you already do that very well.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. That’s a great comment from jlfatgcs. I’m disconnected these days. I am sure writing does help that feeling because it obviously keeps our minds engaged and in turn disconnected…from the disconnect. That being said I always have seen great merit in laser-like focus when events warrant it. I have admittedly done my best work, writing or otherwise, when the email box is empty, the phone is on silent mode (and even dare I suggest actually on the other side of the room!) and I’m completely alone with music lightly playing in the background (or reruns of Supernatural lightly playing in the background!).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad to know I’m not the only who goes through this. It’s a really weird experience for me, but I wouldn’t say its been a bad one. I just have a lot of questions and some answers would be nice, ya know? Because I’m not totally sure where life is taking me right now!

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s